HOW CAN I SCREW UP A RELATIONSHIP?

By
Shane Stay

Melle Mel is not just your typical GQ stud. He is also a snazzy dresser, brisk walker and good with relationship advice. So good in fact, everybody goes to Melvin for advice. For the best interest of society, I shall pepper him with scenario’s and should any of these relate to your life, pay close attention, as Mel is an expert love doctor; the Dr. of Love, Mr. Love Magistrate, Looove Daddy.

Shane's Theory
First off, break up with a girl before you ever ask her out. This is a very good tactic, one that I claim as my own invention, patent pending. I’m at the age where I see all my friends getting married and having children. Uh-oh, I better have children! That’s what they want you to think; they, being the girly magazines out there like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Sports Illustrated. You know what, all you magazines, if I want to impregnate someone I can simply take advantage of a drunken, passed out homeless lady whenever I want. But until I decide to further the human race with a non-typical, non-nuclear family as such, I am going to act on relationships as I see fit.

For instance, there is a beautiful girl, my age, single (how, I have no idea), and employed as a manager in a respectable position. I’m being vague because I would hate for her to read this and see that in lieu of a homeless member of society I have placed her next in line. This is not fair, because she’s not homeless. She probably makes a lot of money. Nor is it fair to the homeless. They’re just like you and me, people. Except, they don’t have a home and they possess the ability to eat leftovers out of a garbage can. I’m just pointing out the facts. Look, not all homeless people eat leftovers out of the garbage but when a few do, it makes it seem like they all do. So, don’t blame me, blame those that have indulged from the trash. I support the homeless cause. I once knew a homeless person. Our relationship lasted all of ten seconds, but I walked away with two less pennies in my pocket and I felt like I knew the guy. And he knew me too. That’s what it’s all about: connecting with people.

The girl and I had good talks. For a number of reasons, I would never ask her out where she works: (1) she might find that rude; she’s a manager and here’s some guy trying to score a date (2) she might say no, then where would I go to shop? (3) she might say yes, we go on a date and then I could never walk past her store again, because I’m neurotic like that. One day, we crossed paths near her work. We talked and I made it clear that “It wouldn’t work between the two of us.” Ha! I showed her. Broke up before we ever went out! Now I have no problem seeing her at the store. “Hey, look at me! I’m the guy that assumed you’d want to go out with me and reversed the whole thing by saying it wouldn’t work – what an asshole!”

Dear Mel,
Talk to me, oh wise one. Was this the correct thing to do?