ODE TO SLICK RICK

By
Shane Stay

"...So make music in my basement, don't cut her off till I find a good replacement."

Slick Rick, you're so cool, why do girls treat you so cruel?

When I look at rap today I feel like an old man, longing for the days of the late 80s, when rap was emerging as a major cultural force in the United States. Heavy D was mysteriously loved by the ladies, The Fat Boys were rapping about donuts (literally), Kwame was prancing around in poke-a-dot pajamas, Erick and Parrish were makin' dollars, Eazy E kept activator suppliers in the profit, Run DMC had taken over the charts, Special Ed made a very ephemeral leap into stardom, Big Daddy Kane was half-steppin' his way to the bank and Tupac was a teenage dancer with Digital Underground waiting to launch his personal career to new heights.

Today, in 2009, I don't know what's going on. Apparently, Bobby Brown still thinks he can sing, Fifty Cent raps, acts, produces, gets shot, sells water (sells WATER!), gets shot some more while claiming more money than some oil producing nations, and Lil Wayne looks like a Lil Maniac. What's wrong with him? Also, white rappers are more and more acceptable. This is plain wrong. I long for the days when white rappers were veeery suspect. Some may argue Eminem is an exception to the norm. Can we keep it at that? Can we let him be the only one? Please. While I'm at it, I don't think Asians should be rapping either. There's just something wrong with someone named Wang trying to rap about his "dilly-dang." I don't wanna hear it; cook your rice noodles and shut the f!@# up.

I long for the days of Slick Rick, looking no less than a gay French pirate with his beret, eye patch, cardigan sweater, Bally shoes, gold teeth, gold necklace, gold rings, gold bracelet, and no doubt gold condoms, personally engraved with the title "MC Ricky D" on it so the ladies wouldn't forget where they'd been. The Ruler was such a hit that he was (a) known as "The Ruler" and (b) could wine and dine any girl with style, all the while looking like a gay French pirate. Who else could pull that off? Should Tom Cruise decide to wear a beret, eye patch and adorn himself with gold jewelry, his once devout Scientologists would pull an apostasy and say, "Woo, that's even too much for us, man; leave you're membership at the door," yet Slick Rick made that look cool and acceptable, for him anyway.

The government has been desperately trying to deport Mr. Rick back to England, where he had citizenship before moving to the States. Are the tax dollars of the United States really going to good use when agents are trying to deport a washed up rapper with a pirate patch? Let's chase domestic terrorists, not Ricky Waters smoking weed from a New York loft. Maybe they just don't want him to make a come back, as so many of us who are stricken with nostalgia would like to see. It might be hard though, as government agents even went after Rick on a cruise ship. Yes, a cruise ship! When he was doing his song "A Children's Story," and said, "Hurry up, run!" he wasn't kidding, as the band probably picked up their gear and tried to keep up. Maybe the only safe place for Rick is in a car, anticipating his fate, but let's hope it's not with a bag of angel dust and a revolver. And if you care as I do, I urge you to write your Congressmen and ask them to call off the government dogs that want to bring so much ill-will to Mr. Rick. Leave him be, and let him work on his next album.

In the meantime, "...You got Rick sittin' right here, waiting for you, my dear. Wonderin' if you're eeever, gonna show-you-oh...La la la la."