VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE

By
Shane Stay

To the girl I like, I gave a Valentine’s Day card, one which I have hence, regretted.

The front of the card had a picture of a dapper man, holding cash, inquiring about a shopping spree. I decided to include a Panera Bread gift card. My note read:

"I hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day, be it alone or with another guy. I’m guessing I won’t be that other guy, since I haven’t technically asked you out yet. Even if I had asked you out, V-day wouldn’t be the best time to do it. I’ll be in Pittsburgh, fighting on behalf of the working man. To be honest, someone gave me that Panera card and now I’m giving it to you. I stopped going there for political reasons. I have no idea how much is on the card, but hope you enjoy the calorie upswing that will result from repeated visits."

Dear Mel,
In your humble opinion, what happened when she read the card?